Capturing Arrogance

It was a romantic little ditty based on the struggle I can't seem to escape, but in the end I captured it, quite the chase though.

Stay tuned.

Down the waterslide

Two full days left of luckzurious vakayshun, then we travel on backs to hicksville USA. Where gossip is bred on spools, and life's worn out on "hey did ya hear" and "WHAT did she say?" Could totally write an entire slanderous novel on that thread alone. Wonder if I could somehow figure a vindicated birth sister in. Um, "you betcha" sound true enough?

Got the idea from a movie I watched last night starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. Did you notice how Hugh's face is creased from his eyebrow to his chin, and that when he relaxes into certain expressions he looks as mediocre and average as, I don't know, a guy that's more likely himself. How do they DO that? And why, I always wonder.

For what purpose, you know? Plus, what's with the guitars hanging on the wall? Some kind of wishful, dreamy reminder of the day's important task (he's a songwriter)...or visions of another life, perhaps an icon of worship for a perfectly-pitched rock star. Who ever knows about these things, not I. Wouldn't even catch a "hmm, that's interesting" glimmer in my eye.

It would be a blank stare, purposefully sent inside myself and back where no one could see it, translate it, or copy it. Got to protect that. See, my soul's always journeying (it's one of my flaws) and if for ever a second my daimon gets caught deciding in each moment which is more important...gone, just like that.

Well, not just like that. Take this current challenge I'm facing, trust me, they'll never end. How to handle myself, maintain my spirit, and keep my principles in line...gonna test me like never ever before. I tend to like that. What else is life for, what's its purpose, and really honestly, can I still keep my integrity intact?

Fuck dignity, I'm all about wholeness now. See, still fast.

Knots

Untie me destiny, no wait, I'm trying to see. Hate it when luck steers you into the best shiatsu healer the Northwest Coast hides there, midback to the right of the spine, couldn't work it out. The healer or the knot, whatever. Reminds me of back in the day when energy medicine was a course I'd have taken, all those years back when I first became me.

Me, being mother. She's truly a master, the first of her kind. Only because, self-centered world I live in, where everything that occurs, well you get the picture...first of her kind. And behind my left lung where I keep all my secrets, I refused to let go, three more sessions I thought and that grief would be mine. Maybe next time.

Until then, I'm up wishing I was home now, believe it or not, homeschooling math. Actually laying in bed wondering about the systems we surrender our children to, imagining structure and teaching kids math. Conversing with all I hide deep inside, what is IN there? As if I don't know, when I so totally do. Fear is the way.

Not a huge fan

Of the title, I'm meaning. Let's be obvious first...don't really like having oh no, no no no no as the title on my growingupartists sidebar. Of all the blogs I'm going to feature, I choose the one with all my favorite colors, and so in my quest for congruence, better spiff this betty up now.

Expect the tangent here, reliably. This one won't be painful I promise. Totally through that phase, c'mon, I'm an artist remember? And who am I if not one to move on completely (from old phase to knew), and never backwards. Trust me.

I'm complaining though, nothing new. Knew! How it works honey, first you don't know something, then, after contemplation and afterthought...fully cured as if you'd known the whole time. You never do, but with certainty comes the luxury of pretending you did.

To your own self. Who else is there to please?

Oh no, no no no no

Am I just defiant by nature, I can't believe that. No. Is it the equal and opposite reaction bound to happen when you spend ten years dedicated to dreaming inside the box... a perfectly well-constructed, and yes, gets better by the day so glad you asked, six-sided function? Of course not.

Men declared all beings are created equal, God has no time for that. What a wasted day this will be indeed. And, each animal was created for its own reason, unique and individual, not blends and automatic correlations. Seriously!

Must have been a defense mechanism, not mine obviously. What do I have to be immune against, besides other's challenges of my God-given and driven integrity? So glad you asked, but not really. Cute, though!

I have a huge day ahead of responsibility, and I'm going to spend all of it laughing, what choice do I have? None, apparently. Not when I'm just doing what I'm asked, just being who I am, despite my better plans. Of which I have many.

Congruence is...

a full-time job, without distraction, all the way back to who I was before. Old habits broken, zero responsibility for anyone's direction but my own. No good luck to share.

Stepping back into my old self, stuck forgiving my missteps and justifying my humanness, but letting it all go. None of it was worth it, can't remember, won't.

So strong once, absolutely sure in my steps, but now I've tripped, it's unforgivable. A decade of devotion to my principles, that pride was there for a reason, I deserved it, I earned it. Oh well.

I can only move forward and wonder how and why and for what purpose I'd do this to my own self. What a fool, a wrecked life, I've no compassion, I've run out.

Someday, maybe somehow, I'll earn back my whole.

God's will and timing

It's all I'm about, nothing left to run from, not a place inside of myself that I fear to venture. It's only inside me, dreams of what's possible, explorations of infinity without judgment. It was the judgment that was the hardest part to overcome. I've only compassion left.

And full-truth be told, the compassion is only reminding myself that it's there in this instant. So, what's the compassion for? Well, it's for the difficult journeys some of us must go on to make ourselves whole. Everybody is different, but once you find the sureness that accompanies your own path, despite outside evidence, no matter false inklings, we must carry forth.

The soul won't stand for any less, it won't say, "okay, nice effort, I'll let you go". The one thing I've learned for sure as I read through CM's writings, is that once God decides, once He takes hold...there's little choice left but courage, and faith...and need for endurance.

I don't mind the difficulty of the travel, when I weigh it all out I've been through much worse. So, I'm just hanging on to God's will and timing as my guides, living my life as regularly as possible, still dreaming bold.

Not that I have any choice in the matter, believe me, I've tried. I've tried to let go, to force God to let go, but He has my soul. And I have faith, timing, courage, and will, among other things to explore. So, now you know, I intend to be whole.